The Black What Now?

This week scientists– OK, one scientist– dropped a quite the bombshell. Laura Mersini-Houghton, who's too good for just one name, has decreed that Black Holes Do Not Exist!

That's right! Black holes, those terrifying whirlpools of the galaxy and destroyer of many a sci-fi spaceship, are not real!

Big deal, I hear you saying. How's that news gonna help me pay the rent? Ah, but it is big news. If black holes don't exist, it not only forces scientists to reevaluate how the fabric of space-time works, but to also rethink the origin of the universe! That's right, the entire universe may not work the way we thought it did. Up might be down! In could be out! Orange is the new black! Nothing makes sense anymore!

And worst of all, this movie's gonna look even stupider than it did back in 1979!